Nun of 24 Years leaves It All Behind To Marry A Monk She Met Once
Obviously no one is born a nun, though Sister Mary Elizabeth might as well have been. She showed her dedication at an early age, and committed herself entirely to a life of seclusion and solitude as early as she was able. She barely saw or spoke to anyone for over two decades. Then a chance meeting with a monk hit her like a bolt from the blue.
Lisa Tinkler
But we know what you’re thinking: with a name like Mary Elizabeth, she was destined to become a nun, right? Well, if that had been true you’d probably have been right, but that wasn’t her given name.
You see, she had actually been born Lisa Tinkler, but in many religious orders taking a new name represents a baptism of sorts. Such was the case with Lisa, though we’re getting ahead of ourselves.
Parents weren’t religious
It’s not that Lisa had been especially surrounded by religion growing up, either. Her parents weren’t religious, although she did have an aunt dedicated to her faith. This relative’s pilgrimage to Lourdes represented Lisa’s spiritual awakening.
Although she had been just six years old at the time, the concept of a holy life fascinated Lisa, and she wasted no time pursuing it. Her father had even built a bedroom altar at his daughter’s behest.
Lourdes water bottle
The altar acted as the focal point for little Lisa’s devotion to the Roman Catholic faith. “I had a little statue of Our Lady on it and a little Lourdes water bottle,” she told BBC News in 2023.
Lisa continued, “Actually, I thought it was the bottle that was holy and not the water — so I was just filling it from the tap and drinking the water.” But that was just the beginning.
Connected to God
Lisa’s commitment to Roman Catholicism only grew, and there was plenty of time for it to blossom as she spent time in her local Middlesbrough town church all by herself.
Sitting there in the second pew secured Lisa’s connection not only with God, but also with the Virgin Mary, for whom she felt an all-encompassing love. By her teenage years, Lisa felt she needed to make a commitment.
Monastery weekend
While most girls her age were having sleepovers or joining Scout groups, Lisa spent one of her weekend retreats at a monastery for The Order of the Brothers of the Blessed Virgin Mary of Mount Carmel.
Also known simply as the Carmelites, the religion can be traced as far back as the 12th century, and despite its name it’s open to both men and women. All the same, the lifestyle of its faithful takes a special dedication.
Spartan existence
Actually, the Carmelites follow what you might consider a very traditional monastic life, one more akin to that of a hermit. They show their love for God and the Virgin Mary by way of a spartan existence.
Still, after trying it the lifestyle appealed to Lisa, so she knew how she wanted to spend the rest of her life — or so she thought. Lisa couldn’t wait to join the Carmelites, but her mother didn’t share Lisa’s enthusiasm.
New year, new life
Instead, Lisa’s mother sent a secret letter to the monastery in Preston, Lancashire, asking the organization to delay proceedings until a few months later, so Lisa could have one last Christmas with her family.
They consented, and Lisa’s new journey as Sister Mary Elizabeth began in the new year. Her lifestyle changed dramatically, as she informed the BBC. Hers wasn’t a completely silent order, but it was close.
On her own
“From then I lived like a hermit,” Lisa revealed. “We had two recreation times a day, about half an hour, when we could speak, otherwise you were on your own in your cell.”
“You never worked with anybody, always on your own,” she elaborated. And if you think such isolation would take its toll, you’re correct. As Sister Mary Elizabeth, her vocabulary declined.
Little to say
For the longest time, there were few people with whom to converse. And even when Sister Mary Elizabeth did get the chance to talk to someone, she had little to say to the older nuns at the monastery.
They spoke of gardening and the weather occasionally, but Sister Elizabeth found spiritual fulfillment in the silence. Contact with her mother was limited to four times annually too, and there was always a grille separating them.
Passed through a drawer
This was even the case with special occasions: Sister Mary Elizabeth was unable to sit down with her family in the way you or I might do. Gifts weren’t passed to her directly, either.
“When I had my 21st birthday, my cake and my cards were all passed through the drawer,” Lisa revealed. “And when my nephew was born, he was passed through a kind of turntable.”
An “interior world”
Although it sounds lonely and isolating to an outsider, Lisa said it elevated her spiritually as Sister Mary Elizabeth. She described this feeling as an “interior world” which expanded as her isolation grew.
Lisa looks back on her time as a nun fondly, but that all changed when she met the monk who changed her life. But how does a nun who lives a life of seclusion fall in love with a monk?
Monk’s sermon
The monk in question was Robert, who at the time was a Carmelite friar from Oxford. He attended the monastery’s retreat center, where Sister Mary had heard him read the occasional sermon.
Unlike Sister Mary Elizabeth, Robert hadn’t always been interested in a life of monastic dedication. In fact, although he did pursue theology, he had been more of an academic. And in contrast to Sister Mary Elizabeth’s life, his parents were religious.
Polish upbringing
Robert’s mother was Catholic and his father Lutheran Protestant, so he was raised surrounded by faith in Silesia, Poland. Yet when a serious romance went wrong for Robert, his mood spiraled and he left his homeland.
It was a tough period emotionally in Robert’s life, and he left for England to find meaning. But while he was there, he found a new calling. Instead of following in his father’s Lutheran footsteps as he had planned, the Carmelites found a new devotee.
“Very suspicious”
Robert told the BBC, “I didn’t know much about Carmelites before and had not considered being a monk. In fact, I was always very suspicious of this kind of expression of faith.”
All the same, despite his misgivings Robert had found comfort in the Carmelite faith, and they helped him handle the dark emotions that were swirling in him. He was with the order for 13 years before meeting Sister Mary Elizabeth.
Snippets of his life story
Although their romance sparked after a single meeting, that’s not to say they knew nothing about each other. For her part, Sister Mary Elizabeth knew a thing or two about Robert.
Remember how we said that she’d attended some of Robert’s sermons? Well, bits and pieces of his life filtered into them, which the Sister overheard when she attended from the other side of a grille.
Chance meeting
Sister Mary Elizabeth knew that Robert had grown up in Silesia, and she knew that he had a passion for mountains. Yet she later claimed that this knowledge hadn’t inspired any strong feelings in her in the beginning.
No, the catalyst for her love began when Robert visited her convent, and she went with the prioress to meet him to check if he was hungry. Then, though, the prioress was called away.
Called away
While the prioress was on the phone, Sister Mary Elizabeth and Friar Robert were left to get to know each other. “It was our first time in a room together,” Lisa recalled later.
“We sat at a table as he ate,” she described, “and the prioress didn't come back so I had to let him out.” It was during their goodbye that everything changed for both of them.
Just one touch
And all it took was the touch of a sleeve. Sister Mary Elizabeth brushed Robert’s robe as she reached for the door to let him out, and she says that she instantly felt a change.
She recalled, “I just felt a chemistry there, something, and I was a bit embarrassed. And I thought, gosh, did he feel that too? And as I let him out the door it was quite awkward.”
Marriage proposal
And it would transpire that Sister Mary Elizabeth wasn’t the only one who felt such a strong connection, because a week later, she got a message from Friar Robert. It was a marriage proposal.
At first, the Sister didn’t know what to think. “I was a little bit shocked,” she told the BBC. “I wore a veil, so he never even saw my hair color.”
No knowledge of romantic love
She continued, “He knew nothing about me really, nothing about my upbringing. He didn't even know my worldly name.” Also consider that Sister Mary Elizabeth had been in isolation for a long time, with few confidants with whom to converse.
Not only that, but she’d kept most of her emotions inside. “I didn't know what it feels like to be in love,” she elaborated, “and I thought the Sisters could see it in my face.”
Nervous and scared
“So I became quite nervous,” the ex-nun added. “I could feel the change in me, and that scared me.” Yet there was one person to whom she felt she could confess her feelings.
Sister Mary Elizabeth told her prioress about her love for Robert, but the bombshell didn’t bring the reaction she had been seeking. The prioress was stunned: she couldn’t believe what she was hearing.
Prioress unimpressed
Lisa elaborated, “She couldn't understand how it had happened because we were in there 24/7 under her watch all the time.” And she was not a believer in love at first sight, either.
“The prioress asked how I could have fallen in love with so little contact,” Lisa revealed. These new emotions left her in turmoil: what would her order think, or her family? And what about God?
“A bit snappy”
Still, in the end the prioress’ reaction was what spurred Sister Mary Elizabeth into action. “The prioress was a little bit snappy with me,” she said, “so I put my pants and a toothbrush in a bag and I walked out.”
“I never went back as Sister Mary Elizabeth.” And what was Robert going through during this time? As a friar he’d had a more active social life than Lisa, so he had more people to whom he could turn.
Searching for her love
Robert had confided in a fellow Carmelite pal about his feelings, and he had arranged to meet his confidant in a Preston pub called The Black Bull that very night.
Lisa guessed this would be their meeting place, so where else was a nun on the run supposed to go? But as she set out to meet her love, the love-struck ex-Sister suddenly realized the very fabric of her world was forever changed.
Stormy emotions, stormy weather
Lisa was thrown into a deep spiral as she rushed out into the night, and it seemed the weather matched her tumultuous state of mind. “The rain was lashing down as I was walking along the Garstang road,” she told the BBC.
Yet as dark as the night was, Lisa’s thoughts were darker. “The traffic was coming towards me with bright headlights, and I just thought ‘I could just finish this,’” she later admitted.
“My heart stopped”
“I was really struggling,” Lisa recalled. “I thought I should just stop this from happening and Robert could get on with his life. But I also wondered if he really meant what he said about getting married.”
Robert’s mind was equally adrift, and his world was breaking just like hers. The reality of events enveloped him when he saw the drenched nun walking through The Black Bull’s door. Robert recounted, “When I saw her, my heart stopped.”
“Paralyzed by fear”
The ex-friar continued, “But actually I was paralyzed by fear, not by joy, because I knew in that moment that I had to be entirely for Lisa, but I also knew we were not practically ready for that.”
"That touch of Lisa's on my sleeve started a change, but while I felt something gradually growing in my heart, I don't think I ever reached a point where I felt I was crazily falling in love.”
Scared of starting anew
“Because in becoming a monk or a nun they teach you how to deal with emotions like love,” Robert explained. “When [Lisa] appeared at the pub, the little demon in me was terrified.”
“But my fear was not religious or spiritual, it was purely about how I would start a new life at the age of 53.” All the same, the wheels had been set in motion and they left the lives they’d made with the Carmelites.
Dark thoughts
Lisa and Robert’s new life together wasn’t all smooth sailing though, as Lisa recounted in an anecdote from their Christmas together. Everything they had given up became too much for them, and Lisa’s dark thoughts resurfaced once more.
"I looked at Robert and he was distressed and crying,” she said. “At that moment we both hit rock-bottom, and it felt like we should just take something like Romeo and Juliet and just end it.”
Few transferable skills
“It was so hard because he both felt so alone and so isolated and didn't know the way forward,” Lisa said. Except Robert wasn’t alone: he was with her. “We just held hands and we got through it.”
And how do you think a former nun and a friar would adjust to the working life? Apparently that was a devastating moment too, when they were both looking for work and they broke down in tears upon realizing their previous skills were unusable.
Crying in the car
Even little things that reminded the couple about their former religious lives overwhelmed them with emotion, such as when they were on the road driving to Yorkshire. “I had ordered a book in Polish about nuns who had left their orders for various reasons,” Robert recounted.
“I read and translated it for Lisa in the car, but she had to pull over on the M62. We both needed to cry because their stories were so emotional and we could relate to them.”
Love grows
Still, in time the couple realized that loving another person didn’t have to mean you had less affection in your heart for everything else. In fact, they found that love was something that only grows the more you give.
“All through your religious life, you're told your heart is supposed to be undivided and given to God,” Lisa explained. “Suddenly I felt like my heart was expanding to hold Robert, but I realized it also held everything else that I had.”
A constant struggle
But how did the couple fit into a fast-paced life outside the monastery? “We became so used to the silence and the solitude; that's hard to find in the business of the world,” Lisa answered.
“You get pulled in so many different directions, so it's a constant struggle for me and Robert to remain centered and grounded.” But eventually they found jobs that weren’t too dissimilar from their past lives.
Funereal work
Lisa initially worked at a funeral home — which is arguably among the quieter jobs you can find — though she still misses her Carmelite lifestyle. So much so, in fact, that there’s only one thing that stops her returning.
She admits she’d go back to her old life instantly if she wasn’t with Robert! But she has found a vocation that’s similar to her old responsibilities in the Carmelites.
Hospital chaplain
Lisa has followed the path of dedication and bringing her faith to people who need it by working as a hospital chaplain. Meanwhile, Robert faced another emotional challenge before settling down.
He received correspondence from Rome excluding him from the Carmelites. Although this news hit Robert hard, another religious order welcomed him. He’s now a member of the Church of England, and a local church vicar: that's a priest, in case you didn’t know.
Husband and wife
You’ll be pleased to know that Lisa accepted Robert’s proposal, too! They’re now husband and wife, and sharing their new life together in a North Yorkshire village called Hutton Rudby.
Both Lisa and Robert are still adjusting to their lives outside the Carmelites — they were in the order for a combined period of more than three decades after all — but their newfound flexible lifestyle isn’t all bad.
No more veil
Lisa, for example, isn’t confined to having to wear her veil anymore! Now she’s out of the habit, so to speak, she’s experimenting with fashion to discover which clothes and hairstyles she likes best.
Robert must find it unusual in a different uniform, too. Despite all the challenges their non-Carmelite lives are throwing at them, though, Lisa and Robert have found a compromise of old and new.
Still dedicated to religion
Their home lives are still dedicated to religion. “I often think I live in a monastery here with Robert, like two Carmelites where everything we do is given to God,” Lisa told the BBC.
“We anchor ourselves in prayer, but love can make a sacrament of everything you do and I realize nothing has really changed for me.” And that suits Robert just fine, too.
God made it work
Both Lisa and Robert agree that their marriage revolves around God, who remains the third, ever-present element of their connection. Lisa admitted she believes that’s the reason that everything worked out the way it did.
"Christ is at the center, and comes before everything,” she said. “If we were to take him out of the equation, I think it wouldn't have lasted really.” But last it has, and their journey is just beginning.